Way Overdressed at the Hillbilly Bowl

French cuffs and a tie at the Hillbilly Bowl in Kimberling City, Missouri?

 There are those who say that you learn everything you need to know in kindergarten, and that might be where my struggles with fashion first arose. I wore a uniform to my Catholic kindergarten, and, ever since, I have lacked the ability to dress myself with a shred of fashion sense.

And that's how it came to be that I found myself wearing a quality silk tie, a white shirt with cufflinks and a good pair of gray pants, sitting in the bar area of a bowling alley in Kimberling City, Missouri, chatting with a comfortable alum wearing a "Redneck Yacht Club" T-shirt. Which reminds me of the time I showed up at a donor's office in Oklahoma City wearing a polo shirt amongst starched collars and expensive ties.

Usually, I aim to be just a tiny bit more formal than I need to be. If the prospect is wearing a T-shirt, I want to be in a nice polo. If the donor is wearing a polo, I want to be in a nice sports shirt. If the prospect is wearing a sports shirt, I want to wear a tie.

Once the sartorial arms race reaches the suit level, though, I content myself with getting by. Whether the donor is wearing $119 Sears special or a $2000 Italian suit, I'm going with my regular Jos. A. Bank sales suit.  And if I need to wear a tux, I start updating my resume.

Obligatory Tangentially Related Joke: Three businessmen on a plane. First guy says, "That suit looks great on you. You must be a Harvard man." Second guy says, "Yes, thank you. I did go to Harvard. And with that classy briefcase, I would guess that you went to Yale." First guy says, "Yes, I am a Yale man." They both look at the third guy, and they say, "You must have gone to KU." Third guy says, "Why yes, I did. How could you tell?"  "We saw your class ring when you picked your nose." 

Stress is Constant - Might as Well Make it Work for You!

Stress is a killer. Stress is a motivator. Stress can keep you up at night. Stress can give you a reason to get up in the morning. Stress gets imposed on us. Stress comes from within us.

People sometimes accuse me unfairly of being in easy-going person. I tend not to walk around with a frantic or worried expression, and I am unlikely to dump a bucket of anxiety on anyone who casually asks how I am. But make no mistake about it - I am responsible for raising more money than ever for a nonprofit that needs resources to achieve its laudable mission.  If I fail, I let down good people doing important things.  Worse, the path to success goes through other people making favorable decisions they don't need to make.  

I recently watched this video in which psychologist Dr. Kelly McGonigal explains that stress is only bad for you if you allow it to be. You are 43% more likely to die of stress if you think it is bad for you, but if you use the symptoms of stress to your own advantage, you can be smarter and more social - generally good things in the nonprofit sphere. Take 14:29 out of your life to watch this video.

Obligatory Tangentially Related Joke: A guy went to Dr. McGonigal.  "Doctor, I saw your TED Talk, and I need your help.  Whenever I get under a lot of stress, I lose my temper with people, and I insult them.  It's costing me friendships and problems with my marriage.  I need your help, please . . ."

Dr. McGonigal feels compassion for the poor guy and replies, "All right. I'm here to help you.  Why don't you start by telling me about your stress and how it is impacting your life?"

The guy replies, "I just did, you incompetent knucklehead!"

3 Ways to Annoy a Fundraiser

Fundraisers get paid to get along with people, so you probably won’t get smacked when you say these things. You probably won’t even see a wince. But you can be sure that you are provoking an internal eye-roll.

1. “I couldn’t do your job. I hate asking people for money.” What, exactly, do you think we do for a living? We’re not out on street corners with cardboard signs. It’s not like asking your father-in-law for help making your car payment. We help people get that great feeling of accomplishment and pride when they participate in something above their daily life. We encourage people to participate in a cause, and help them do it effectively. It’s a great job, working with good people for important causes.

2. “How can you raise money for your cause when there are . . . (people starving/people dying of cancer/homeless people, etc.)?” The fact is, there is no clear prioritization of need, and most people who raise this issue aren’t doing anything to address the people starving or dying or living on the streets, either. Cynically, I might say that they are just using an excuse to avoid parting with money. More generously, perhaps they really do feel powerless to start fixing problems until they can fix the worst problem in the world. Either way, the fact is that most donors give to multiple causes, so they are addressing multiple needs, not just one. Good people understand the need to get involved with issues they care about. Personally, I would not have chosen a Performing Arts Center as the highest need in KC, but Ms. Kauffman chose to build one, and as a result, we have a wonderful civic asset. Who am I to argue with that?

3. “You should put on a . . . (dinner dance/gala/golf tournament, etc.).” Uggh. As a fundraiser, I recognize that some special events are good things, but the vast majority are lousy for the fundraising effort (as opposed to awareness-building and other purposes). There are three main reasons I feel that way. First, they make more money for hotel catering, golf courses and other vendors than they do the charity. I might feel like a hero when I write a $150 check to play a round of golf or attend a dinner, but I’m really only giving 1/3 to 1/2 of it to the cause. Second, they distract from mission-based fundraising. People wind up giving because they are needled by their friends to buy a table, rather than because they care about the cause. Finally, the successes are often false. People report income as profit. People count corporate gifts they would have gotten anyhow as donations to the special event. People round up to the nearest $100,000 when they report the results. And people like me get stuck trying to talk volunteers out of planning the next gala.

Of course, there are many other ways to annoy a fundraiser. “If we can just get everyone in Kansas City to give us $10 . . .” is another one that makes me grit my teeth. “You should get Warren Buffett to support your charity” is a classic. But, for today, the three outlined above ought to suffice if you want to get on a fundraiser’s nerves.

Obligatory Tangentially Related Joke: A fundraiser managed to get an appointment with the richest businessman in town.  The businessman is not known for his generosity, so the fundraiser decides to try using a guilt trip. 
"Mr. Jones," he says, "you own the biggest business here in our town, and yet I've never seen your name connected to any charitable giving.  My records don't show that you've ever donated any money to my cause." 
Mr. Jones looks across his desk. "Do your records show anything about my grandmother, who's suffering from Alzheimer's so badly that she needs expert medical help with her 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and that she has no insurance to help with that expense?"
The fundraiser stares blankly.  "I'm sorry, I had no idea."
Mr. Jones continues, "I thought not.  What about my sister?  Do your records have anything in there about my sister, whose husband disappeared last year, leaving her with 5 kids, no income, and a mountain of debt?  Do your records mention anything about Christmas last year at her house?"
The fundraiser just hung his head. 
"So, Mr. Fundraiser, let me ask you a simple question," Mr. Jones continued.  "Why would I give you any money when I don't give any to them?

6 Rules on What Kind of Car a Fundraiser Should Drive

Like it or not, everyone forms opinions based on the cars people drive. You do, too. If your sister calls you and tells you that she just started dating a guy who drives a Humvee, you will form a different mental image than if she says he drives a Prius. Or a '73 Vega. Or a Porsche. Or a minivan. 

Similarly, if you are a fundraiser who drives to face-to-face meetings with donors, you should be aware of the message your transportation sends. Here are five easy rules that, all things being equal, should probably keep you out of trouble.

1. Your car should ideally reflect but at least not oppose your organization's mission. No gas guzzlers for the Sierra Club and no convertibles for skin cancer prevention.

2. Your car should not be significantly more expensive than what your typical donor drives.

3. Your car should not be so junky that it looks wildly out of place in your average donor's driveway. And no oil leaks either.

4. Your car should be easy to enter and exit. If you are driving an elderly couple to lunch, don't take a Miata.

5. No pets allowed. Even for animal charities, nobody wants dog hair.

6. Keep your politics, religion and college mascot off your bumper sticker.

Of course, these are just common sense guidelines, to be ignored when they chafe too much.  One of the best fundraisers I know used to drive a sweet Jaguar, violating 1/3 of the guidelines, but putting her in a good mood every time she drove it.  

Obligatory Tangentially Related Joke: A woman walks into a bar and walks up to one of the regulars.

"How many beers do you drink a day?"

"Usually around 3," the man responds.

"How much is each beer?

"Around $5."

"So you spend around $15 dollars a day on beer?"

"Well, if you count the tip, it's closer to $20 . . ."

"$20 per day?!," she shrieks.  "You spend $20 per day here?  Every day?"

"Almost every day.  They're closed on Christmas day . . ."

"How many years have you been coming in here and blowing $20 per day?"

"Probably 20 years now, give or take."

"Well, let's do the math on that.  $20 per day times 30 days a month times 12 months in a year, let's see, that's . . $7,200 per year.  Times 20 years, that's over $140,000 you've wasted.  You could be driving around in a shiny new Ferrari convertible for what you've wasted on beer in this place!"

He takes a drink and looks at her.

"I'm going to guess that you don't drink, right?"

"Most certainly not!", she harrumphs.

"So, where's your Ferrari?"

Rotary, Charlie's House and the Value of Nonprofit Outreach

The speaker at my Rotary club this morning was Jenny Horn, a woman whose son was killed at age 2 when a child – sized dresser toppled over on him. I will admit that my inner curmudgeon had a slight eye roll when I saw childproofing on the list of upcoming speaker topics. "Oh, come on," my inner curmudgeon whispered, "you can't wrap the world in padding, and, besides, I grew up in a world of asphalt playgrounds and lawn darts. And I made it."

But then you meet Jenny Horn and she is showing you pictures of Charlie, her dead child who would be alive today if the dresser had been installed with an ingeniously simple and inexpensive furniture strap and your curmudgeon shuts up, ashamed of himself. And then the nurse from Children's Mercy talks about how easy it is for a crawling child to topple a table lamp with a tug on a cord and be struck, shocked, and or burned. And then you learn more people ages 1–44 die from injuries than from any other cause, including cancer, HIV, or the flu, and even my inner curmudgeon is thinking about what could happen if we have grandchildren, or our friends bring their precious bundles over for a visit.

I think I might spend some time over the next few weekends reinstalling some of those cabinet latches that disappeared after my children grew out of their toddler years. I will keep my eyes open for some safety gates to block off stairs, and anchoring systems for our dressers and bookshelves would be a simple enough project. 

And that, my friends, is the power of effective outreach by a nonprofit. There is no way that inner curmudgeon of mine would have allowed me to "waste my time" reading a pamphlet about child safety, since I have no children in the house anymore. I would not have visited the website, or watched their excellent YouTube videos. But, when I saw that young lady tear up for her lost child right in front of me, it got my attention, and got my imagination thinking about how something awful could happen if I don't take some easy steps soon.

Obligatory Tangentially Related Joke:  Two guys are sitting in a bar, and one says to the other, "I read the other day that during mating season, a pair of lions mates up to 40 times per day."  The other guy takes a long drink of his beer and sighs miserably.  "What's wrong, Joe?", the lion expert asks.  "I just joined Rotary."